I would say that I’ve been a good girl this year, but we both know that’s not true.
Before I waste my time telling you all the cool shit I want, and then just having another “coal incident,” I figured I’d let you know what you could get for Christmas this year.
Option One: I receive all of the items in the following list, and you get some cookies. I’ll even throw in some milk.
Option Two: I get coal again. Or some stupid shoddy gift from Rite Aid. For this option, please see attached picture of your North Pole base. See those markings on the side? That’s where I plan to break in. I’ll be armed, with a machine gun and some Molotov cocktails. You think your elves can survive a point blank range shot to the head? Are they that magical? Mrs. Claus? I’ll make sure to leave the gun I use on her behind, just so you have something else to stroke at night. And Rudolph? Yeah, I need a new taillight for my tricycle that you got for me two years ago even though I was eight.
What I want for Christmas:
A Chemistry Set (A real one that can blow shit up)
Some Hydrochloric Acid
Cool ass MacFarlane Action figures.
PS – You give me coal one more time, fat ass, and I’ll use it to light a fire for next year. Just think about it.
So, I go out to smoke a cigarette, and in my always feeble attempt to avoid people, instead of hanging out in the smoking area, I go around the side to where the dumpsters are (it’s a parking lot).
I see this guy rummaging around a car and tying what appears to be a bunch of clothes down. Then he approaches me, and asks me for a light. I let him use my lighter, and then he asks if I’m a nursing student. I explain that no, I’m actually a computer consultant, and I’ve been doing it a long time.
He tells me he’s looking for a computer consultant, and launches into this whole thing about how he works with ionizing water to cure cancer. He then says “I have a Christmas present for you!” and hands me some crystal. He informs me that he found it while investigating the Mason’s temple, and he found a lot of books on freemasonry and some Picassos and stuff that were missing.
Uh – huh.
He then launches into how he likes to get hospital plants, and plucks a flower from one and gives it to me. He encourages me to seek Herbal treatments instead of being subjected to Western Medicine. It wasn’t until I got inside the door that he stopped talking to me. Honestly, I’m a little nervous about going back out there.
Housekeeping: To everyone who wished me a happy birthday, thanks! That was incredibly sweet. I had a good day, spent with Darren and media, and it couldn’t have gotten any better!
Funny Picture (thanks to Rennod):
My action shot of the yoda backpack is actually on ThinkGeek!