Dear Santa (For MacFarlane Toy Contest)

Dear Santa,

I would say that I’ve been a good girl this year, but we both know that’s not true.

Before I waste my time telling you all the cool shit I want, and then just having another “coal incident,” I figured I’d let you know what you could get for Christmas this year.

Option One: I receive all of the items in the following list, and you get some cookies. I’ll even throw in some milk.

Option Two: I get coal again. Or some stupid shoddy gift from Rite Aid. For this option, please see attached picture of your North Pole base. See those markings on the side? That’s where I plan to break in. I’ll be armed, with a machine gun and some Molotov cocktails. You think your elves can survive a point blank range shot to the head? Are they that magical? Mrs. Claus? I’ll make sure to leave the gun I use on her behind, just so you have something else to stroke at night. And Rudolph? Yeah, I need a new taillight for my tricycle that you got for me two years ago even though I was eight.

What I want for Christmas:

A Chemistry Set (A real one that can blow shit up)

Some Hydrochloric Acid

Ninja Stars

Duct Tape

Teddy Scare

Cool ass MacFarlane Action figures.

Signed,

Jamie

PS – You give me coal one more time, fat ass, and I’ll use it to light a fire for next year. Just think about it.

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